This week had ups and downs. Sunday was Easter and Ryker's eighth birthday. I was pretty bummed that I wasn't going to get to spend the day with the fam. I was sad to miss the Easter egg hunts, to miss church, not to get to see the kids in their new Easter outfits, to miss Easter dinner and Ry's birthday dinner. I wanted to be home SO BADLY. Gary's mom spent spring break here to help with the kids, and she was flying out Sunday morning. They decided to come here and spend the morning with me instead of going home and going to church. Gary had brought over the stuff for the kids' Easter baskets for me to put together, and I had them all ready when they got here. They were really excited - they all got new bike helmets, and some little toys and candy. We had cake and gave Ryker his present from my parents out in the courtyard. It was pouring rain, but the kids had fun playing in the box that Ryker's scooter came in. We hung out and watched movies for a while, and they left. It was so nice to get to spend part of the day with them. There were just a few pictures (they forgot the camera), no fancy Easter clothes, or dinner, or egg hunt. Just a low-key morning hanging out together.
Monday morning, Zadie lost another tooth!
Gary and Ezra went to the beach on Monday, and then came to see me. I seriously love when they come!
My awesome friend Jill sent flowers and a bag full of goodies on Tuesday. Lots of yummy snacks, and a coloring book and colored pencils to keep me busy.
On Wednesday, Dr Doom came in and woke me up. I wasn't having an awesome morning to start with, and he was really the last person I wanted to deal with. I was hoping he'd let me sleep, but no luck. He started talking about how they were "concerned that the baby's lungs were severely underdeveloped because the ultrasound was showing that his chest was measuring small," they were "concerned that there seemed to be fluid around the heart," and they were "concerned that he would have zero lung function," and a few other things. I just said 'uh huh' and nodded, because I wanted him out. None of what he said made any sense or coincided with anything anyone has said the entire time I've been here. The last time they did measurements during an ultrasound was on March 15th, and everything was measuring normally, except for the kidneys and bladder, which we were expecting anyway. He was measuring right where he should be - at about 65-70th percentile. So I was ridiculously confused and frustrated. When Dr B came in on Thursday, I told him how I was so frustrated and angry, and that I didn't want to see Dr W anymore. I explained why, and he looked at my ultrasound and said everything looked fine, and not to worry.
A super sweet friend and her cute little boy came for lunch on Wednesday, which was the absolute highlight of my day.
And an awesome friend of ours has been watching Ezra while Gary has been going to work a few times a week. She brought him and her two sweet little girls down for lunch on Thursday. It was nice to visit with her, and I really enjoyed having more one-on-one time with Ezra. We hung out in the courtyard (a common theme when people come to visit), and caught bugs.
I've been doing NST's (non-stress tests - basically an hour on the monitor) one hour, every six hours or so, throughout the day. I went on the monitor Thursday afternoon around 5:00 and came off a little after 6:15. They came back in around 6:30 and told me that baby's heart rate was down longer than they wanted it to be, so the dr wanted me to go back on for an hour and see what he did. Apparently it happened again, so they put me back on for another two hours. Happened again, so they decided to keep me on the monitor all night until I could have an ultrasound today. The nurse came in around 5am to adjust the monitor, because I had rolled over and they lost his heartbeat. I told her that I couldn't... I was tired, I hadn't slept most of the night because I was uncomfortable, and the monitor was irritating my skin. She took me off. I went back on around 9:00am. Dr Medlock came in while I was on the monitor and talked to me for a while. He said everything looked fine, exactly what he'd expect, and that he wasn't too concerned. We talked about my frustration with being here, and after that conversation, I felt a lot better. I had my ultrasound around 2pm. No ultrasound pictures from this week. They'll do a longer scan next Monday or Wednesday, and actually do measurements and estimate baby's size again. Hopefully they'll be able to get a good image to print for me then. :)
Back in the middle of February, we ordered a new car. They had told us it would be 6-8 weeks before it came in. Gary got the call on Monday that it was here. He went in today and traded the Pilot in for my new Traverse. I'm so excited to see it when they come visit this weekend!
As of Wednesday, I'm 28 weeks. Just two weeks from 30, which is the first, 'soft' goal. At 28 weeks, the survival rate of a healthy baby is about 75-85%. At 30 weeks, which is when Ezra was born, survival is 90-95%. There's still the question of lung development and kidney function, neither of which we will know until after he's born.
When I was talking to Dr Medlock, he had mentioned that if I was really adamant about going home, he wouldn't be incredibly opposed to it, but it would have to go through MFM. I don't think that, even if the doctors said I could go home, I'd be comfortable leaving. If something serious happened and I was at home, I'd regret it forever. As much as I hate being here, I'm more comfortable and reassured that we're doing everything possible for this baby. Part of me, the 'good mom' part, the patient part, the logical part, wants to be here as long as possible. At least until mid-May. May 11th, I'll be 34 weeks. That's an awesome milestone... That's 5 1/2 weeks from now. That would put me here a total of 8 weeks. Every day that I'm here helps the baby so much. I've been here this long... I'm in it for the long haul.
The selfish, less logical, frustrated, homesick part of me wants to go home. The control-freak part of me wants the baby to just come. I can't stand the not knowing. I hate not knowing what we're dealing with, not having a plan; I hate everything being "what if" and "maybe" and "hopefully."
I need to be here for this baby. This baby, right now, is my priority. The other kids have Gary. They're in their routines, they're fine. I need to focus on staying sane, staying healthy, and keeping this baby inside and growing as long as possible. We'll deal with what's coming when it comes. I can't rush things. I need to focus on staying positive. I need to cry when I feel like it, get it out, and get on with my day. I need to do things to keep myself busy,
Prayers, good vibes, whatever you can send our way, are still appreciated. We're feeling all of the blessings with every day the baby is still alive and safe, with every day I've still got a shred of sanity, with every day Gary and the kids get where they need to be and accomplish the things they need to. We are so very grateful for everyone who has helped us out so far, for the love and support, the visits, the phone calls, the text messages, the gifts, the meals for my family, the people helping out with my kiddos and giving Gary a break... For all who have offered help and haven't been given anything to do. We're trying to be as self-sufficient as possible right now, because we don't know what's in store for after the baby's here, and we're likely to need a LOT of help then. We are so thankful to be part of families and a ward and a community that are all so willing to help us out. We feel the love, and hope to be able to repay it one day soon!